If it’s hard to create a game this uninspired, Undertale sure isn’t showing it.

Story

tl;dr: It’s generic Disney bullshit covered in forced memes.

OH BOY YOU FUCKING GOT ME

In Undertale, you play as a gender-agnostic 12-year-old who climbs up a mountain to kill yourself because your dad deleted your tumblr account once he caught you getting off to Blood on the Dance Floor fanfics.

After falling into the mountain rather than off it (cuz kids apparently can’t even kill themselves right these days), you find yourself in a budget wonderland of monsters and adventure.

You are then set off on a journey back to the human world, and allowed the choice of defending yourself against monsters who want to steal your soul… or becoming the Undertale equivalent of a walking cum-dumpster.

Bless your fucking heart, sweetie.

Other than its reddit-tier writing, Undertale isn’t particularly terrible in the story department… just so long as you realize you are playing something likely designed to get a game dev in the pants of children.

Probably not worth the Frisk there, buddy.

With three endings required to get the “full” experience, there is some depth to this story if you’re willing to dig for it. Unfortunately, that requires tolerating the gameplay longer than any sentient being should have to.

More than I like playing this game, at least.

Le Puzzles

I hate puzzles when they’re in good games, and I hate them even worse when they’re in RPGMaker trash like Undertale.

Now I almost regret climbing that mountain to kill myself.

Against the game’s desperate attempts to defend the existence of puzzles in-universe, the vast majority of the puzzles serve not as world-building instruments but as suspension-destroying speedbumps.

How is this supposed to make me enjoy the game more?

While I can understand that Toby Keith (the main game dev, I think) needed something to increase the run-time of his game, forcing players to ~~run~~ slowly walk through empty dungeons only punctuated by terrible puzzles and frustrating mob/boss encounters is not the right way to go about it.

Oh yeah, we haven’t talked about the combat yet, have we?

The Combat

Undertale is fucking hard, and in all the wrong ways.

The basic idea is you have to play a poorly designed bullet hell minigame as you try and convince monsters to fight against the patriarchy or some shit.

If this looks fun, just know it isn’t.

If you’re going through the game as intended (“true pacifist” route for all you tumblrinas who wanna play dumb), the damage that enemies do to you gets so progress-destroying that you have to spend time memorizing patterns rather than, you know, actually playing the damn thing. What a sack of shit.

Oh yeah, I guess it is worse on the genocide route. Here’s to being fucked either way.

Music

This bit-starved bullshit (quality OST link) brings me back to a time when I wish I didn’t have Undertale’s spiked bat of a dildo using my ears like a fucking blender.

The only way the soundtrack could be worse is if it was playing Little Game like every other fucking homestuck fan tribute that somehow gets stuck in my Youtube queue does.

And I’m still not convinced this isn’t a hidden track.

Characters

I’ll give Undertale that it has a cute, balanced, and memorable cast (that you will soon see ruining your local anime con). But who cares about played-out skeleton memes…